Margaret's Journal
by JulieSnape02
Summary: After Fanny's wedding, Margaret's feelings overwhelm her. As Bessie has already died, Margaret is forced to write things down in a journal. Watch as events unfold to throw Margaret and Mr. Thornton together. Rating for author safety. :D Terrible summary, story's better, so please read! Disclaimer: I do not own North and South. It is the brain-child of the lovely Elizabeth Gaskell.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: For those of you on C19, this is the same one I posted there as "Clockwood." I finally decided to get it up on this website, too, so that a larger audience could read it, although I'm only going to post it one chapter per day. As there are only three chapters, it shouldn't take that long to get it all up.

* * *

**Margaret's Journal, Part 1**

_Finally_, thought Margaret Hale, _the bride is here and now the wedding can begin._ She glanced over at the brooding man walking Fanny up the aisle, John Thornton. _It could be me walking up the aisle towards him. No, I must not think these things! I had good reason to refuse him. _She then turned her attention back to the bride.

The brooding man walking beside Fanny was having similar thoughts after stealing a glance at Margaret. _Oh, it could be Margaret walking up the aisle towards me! No, I must not think these things. She refused me and gave me every indication that I would have a poor chance of winning her should I try again. I cannot let my mind travel in that direction. I am considering courting Miss Latimer, for goodness sake! It is most improper for me to be thinking of another woman. _And with that thought, he turned his attention back to the front of the sanctuary.

Throughout the ceremony, Margaret's eyes kept drifting toward Mr. Thornton. Every time it happened, she would scold herself for not focusing on the bride and groom.

Mr. Thornton was not in a position to see Margaret, but he was just as aware of and distracted by her as she was of him. He, too, was continuously scolding himself for his inattention, and cajoling himself to focus on the bride and groom, only to be distracted by thoughts of what it would be like were it his and Margaret's wedding day. _Stop it_, he would scold himself again. _You are not helping yourself. Focus on Fanny and Watson._

The wedding was over and everyone poured out of the church to congratulate the bride and groom. After giving their congratulations, Mr. Hale and Margaret walked with Mrs. Thornton to one side, watching the bride and groom.

"Congratulations, Mrs. Thornton. A very good match, I'm sure. I haven't seen Mr. Thornton for some time. The winter's been going on so. I do hope he isn't sickening," Mr. Hale commented.

"My son works hard, Mr. Hale. He's never ill," replied Mrs. Thornton, with her pride in her son obvious from her tone.

Margaret's eyes wandered towards Mr. Thornton again. When she saw Ann Latimer take his arm, she felt her heart sink. _Why am I being so silly?_ she asked herself as she turned deliberately away. _I shall think of him no longer._

At that moment, Mrs. Slickson and Mrs. Hamper walked over towards her. They had noticed her watching Mr. Thornton and Miss Latimer and were curious at her reaction.

"Miss Hale, it has been a while since we last saw you," Mrs. Slickson began.

"Yes, indeed. And as I understand, you have not been out in company much," Mrs. Hamper added.

"Mrs. Slickson, Mrs. Hamper, you are both correct," Margaret replied.

Mrs. Slickson glanced slyly at Margaret as she said, "You know, they say one wedding brings about another. I hear Mr. Thornton will begin officially courting Miss Latimer soon." Looking fully at Margaret to gauge her reaction, she added, "It would be a good match for him, as she is his banker's daughter. I'm sure you've seen them together. Don't they make such a splendid pair? Look, see how she holds onto his arm? Surely, it is just a matter of time before they announce their courtship."

Margaret gave them a strained smile. She averted her eyes from the two women and quietly excused herself.

After she left, Mrs. Slickson said to Mrs. Hamper. "It seems you were right, Cordillia. Miss Hale has fallen in love with Mr. Thornton herself, but she seems to be unaware of it."

"Poor girl," Mrs. Hamper replied. "I only hope she's not missed her chance." Mrs. Hamper paused for a moment as if measuring her words. "I know too well what it means to live without love. Mr. Hamper..." Her words trailed off.

Mrs. Slickson took her friend's hand in hers. "Living without love is something I know as well."

* * *

When Miss Latimer had taken his arm, Mr. Thornton wanted to recoil. _Good Lord! Must she cling to my arm? Why am I even contemplating courting her? She means nothing at all to me and cannot hold a candle to Margaret. No one can compare to Margaret. I am sure I would feel very differently on the matter if it were it Margaret taking my arm. Hmmm...how good it would feel to have __**her **__on my arm. Oh! Stop thinking these things! She doesn't even like you! Focus, man! Focus!_

* * *

Later that evening, as she laid in bed, Margaret thought back to the wedding and the conversation with Mrs. Hamper and Mrs. Slickson. As she recalled how Miss Latimer had taken Mr. Thornton's arm, and the conjectures that they would soon begin courting, tears began to slide down her cheeks. Too exhausted to fight against it, she gave in to the feelings of emptiness and utter hopelessness and cried herself to sleep.

* * *

John Thornton stood in front of the dying fire in his bedroom with his forearm propped against the mantelpiece. All of the emotions he had buried deep inside him, endeavoring to keep in check, were at the surface. _Dear God, he loved her._ He might try to quell his foolish passions but he had not lied that day when he proposed to her. _Neither she, nor the whole world, could keep him from loving her._ Tears forced their way from his eyes as he thought of Margaret. _Lovely, wonderful Margaret. She looked as beautiful as ever. But she is lost to me. She does not care for me. I must get over her! Why do I torture myself this way?_

The fire went out in the fireplace, but John Thornton did not notice. Heartbroken, a sob escaped him as he stumbled over to his bed and collapsed on it in shear emotional exhaustion. He cried as he had not done since he was a boy, when he had lost his father under miserable circumstances.

* * *

The next morning, as Margaret lay in bed, she decided that she would visit the Higgins' home to see what more she could do for the Boucher children. Determined not to let anyone's prejudice prevent her from taking this opportunity to help those darling orphans, she decided that she would visit them that very afternoon.

Later, at breakfast, her father told her his plans for the day. "I'm going to be taking a walk this morning, Margaret. Would you like to join me?"

"No, Father. I have some things I need to get done this morning. This afternoon, I will be going over to the Higgins' to see what I can do for the Boucher children."

"That sounds like an excellent plan, my dear. I'll be walking along the path that goes by the graveyard and should be back in time for luncheon."

They went their separate ways after breakfast—Mr. Hale to his walk and Margaret to the library where she could write in her journal about the revelations from the previous night.

* * *

As Mr. Thornton lay in bed the next morning, contemplating the day ahead, he decided he would take a walk. His thoughts turned toward the factory. He had taken a risk when he asked for Margaret's hand and had been refused. He would not do the same with his factory. His father had risked their livelihood and left them to pick up the broken pieces.

Sighing, he realized he should not bother courting Miss Latimer. His mother, his sister, Mr. Latimer, and many others had been throwing them together constantly, in the hope that something more would develop between them. But Miss Latimer could not give him the companionship he so desperately craved. If Margaret would not have him, then he would have to content himself with remaining a bachelor for the rest of his life.

Walking into the dining room, he saw that his mother was already up, preparing her breakfast.

"Good morning, Mother," he greeted her.

"Good morning, John. I trust that you slept well?"

Not wanting to let his mother know that he was still in turmoil over Margaret, he told her that he had. "I will be taking a walk this morning, Mother, on the path that goes past the graveyard," he informed her. "I should be back in plenty of time for lunch."

"Very well," she replied.

After breakfast, his mother went to work on her linen while he went out for a walk.

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A/N: Sooo...please let me know what you all think! Thanks! :D


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here's chapter 2! I will post the next (and final) chapter tomorrow! :D

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******Margaret's Journal, Part 2**

Margaret shivered as she made her way to the library with her journal. She had purchased it just after Bessie's death, since she no longer had anyone to confide in. The crackling fire made the room a warm and inviting oasis in the otherwise chilly house, the smell of burning wood creating a cozy atmosphere that chased away her feelings of loneliness and isolation.

As the winter sun cast its rays about the room, Margaret seated herself at a table and began pouring her thoughts onto the paper as she would have done had she been able to speak with Bessie.

_Yesterday was Fanny's wedding. It was just as I expected it would be—very ornate. Should I say more? Her dress was exactly what I would expect from her—never have I seen so much lace and frill on one garment._

Margaret continued writing about the ceremony and detailed what had occurred afterwards with a look of determination. She refused to dwell on that which her mind gravitated towards—how handsome Mr. Thornton looked, his actions during the ceremony, the look on his face as he led his sister up the aisle, as if he were trying to keep tormenting thoughts at bay...Margaret shook her head to rid it of such thoughts.

_Though I do not quite understand why, the memory of Miss Latimer on Mr. Thornton's arm stands out._

Margaret shuddered as she recalled how possessive of Mr. Thornton Miss Latimer had acted.

_She looked lovely, as usual, and appeared rather happy to have Mr. Thornton's attentions all to herself._

A look of disgust crossed Margaret's face at the memory. All Miss Latimer cared about was Mr. Thornton's money and position in Milton society. She was sure of it.

_She acted as if she were entitled to it. I do wonder what they find to talk about. She knows very little that would interest him, if anything at all._

She scoffed at the thought. The only thing Miss Latimer knew about was what she learned at finishing school—which, Margaret knew, would not interest Mr. Thornton. But then she remembered how he had smiled so sweetly at Miss Latimer.

He had looked so happy, too, but the thought that his happiness was caused by another woman tormented her. Anguish flashed across her face as she continued writing.

_Mrs. Hamper and Mrs. Slickson informed me that it is expected that Mr. Thornton and Miss Latimer will begin courting soon. __This thought fills me with despair. Why can I not, at the very least, be indifferent to him? Why can I not purge him from my thoughts? What is this hold that he has over me?_

Margaret paused for a moment as sadness threatened to overwhelm her. She no longer noticed the sun or the fire. Her eyes wandered to the pile of books nearby. They were the ones her father had yet to put away from his last lesson. On top was the volume of Plato, taunting her with the reminder that Mr. Thornton had abandoned his lessons.

_It is not as if I care for him. I know that everyone seems to think so after I protected him from the rioters. But what else was I to do? I could not leave him to be hurt at the hands of the angry mob. It was my Christian duty to do what I could. I sent him out there. It was my duty to protect him. __Why are all my thoughts so focused on him? It really is none of my business what he does or with whom he spends time. Nor do I even care._

Sighing, she placed her head in her hands, rubbing her temples. Her head had begun to ache from her tumultuous emotions and tortured thoughts. Suddenly, an idea struck her. "Oh!" she cried as she stiffened slightly in surprise. She sat there in the silence for what seemed an eternity, pondering this new revelation. _Could it be true? _Picking up her pen again, she began writing furiously.

_Why did I not see this previously? And yet it all makes perfect sense. I am absolutely certain of it. The reason I do not like seeing Miss Latimer with him is because I want his attentions all to myself, I want to feel his arm entwined with mine. _She paused briefly before adding, _I love him._

A tear trickled down Margaret's cheek as she continued. _Alas, I have realized too late how much I love him. After seeing me with Frederick at the train station, it seems any regard he had for me is gone. I have lost his good opinion forever._

She struggled to retain her composure as she continued writing, tears dripping onto the page.

_If only I could tell him that Frederick is my brother; if I could make him understand why I had to do what I did. Maybe he would think better of me. Maybe we could start afresh. Now that Frederick is safely back in Spain with his new wife, Dolores, I need not worry for his safety. But no, it is too late; surely if Mr. Thornton's love cannot withstand such a blow as seeing me with another man, then it is not worth my time to pine for him. __I can still recall how he called his feelings for me a "foolish passion." And the look on his face! He surely must hate me now._

Her despair overwhelming her she pushed her journal away from her forcefully, before she began weeping uncontrollably into her hands.

* * *

Mr. Hale had bundled up against the chill before venturing out of the house. He had very little to distract him from thoughts of his late wife now that Mr. Thornton no longer came for his lessons. Sadness over his wife's death had been eating away at him and had been made worse by the loss of Mr. Thornton's conversation and company.

Yesterday's wedding had reminded him of his own, causing his sadness to nearly overwhelm him. Not wishing to worry Margaret and Dixon, he had decided to take a walk in the hope that it would help ease the pain of his loss. He had determined to visit Mrs. Hale's grave, hoping to feel close to her again.

As he turned back onto the path after spending some time at his wife's grave, he narrowly missed running into someone who was walking in his direction.

Mr. Thornton made his way toward the graveyard slowly, deep in thought. _Margaret looked so lovely yesterday,_ he mused. _But that is no surprise—she always looks lovely. Miss Latimer, on the other hand...well, she looked...nice, but she is nothing compared to Margaret. No one can compare to Margaret. _Shaking his head in an attempt to rid himself of such thoughts, he looked up just in time to keep from bumping into Mr. Hale.

"John!" Mr. Hale exclaimed. "I haven't had the opportunity to talk to you for some time now. How have you been? Your mother said you have been working hard these days."

Mr. Thornton smiled at his good friend and mentor. "Mr. Hale, I have indeed been working hard in order to make up for time lost during the strike. I have missed our conversations, though. Perhaps we could walk together for a while?" he suggested hopefully.

"Certainly, John," Mr. Hale replied. They continued walking for some time, debating on various topics. Suddenly, Mr. Hale spoke excitedly. "John, there is a book that I just finished rereading this morning. I think you would enjoy it immensely. Come, let us go back to the house and I will get it for you, so that you may read it...if you have the time, that is."

"Thank you, Mr. Hale. That is very kind of you. I would not wish to impose on either you or your daughter, however."

Mr. Hale studied Mr. Thornton for a moment, wondering if Mr. Bell was right about Mr. Thornton's interest in Margaret. "It would take but a moment for me to get it for you. Margaret said something at breakfast about doing a few errands and then going over to the Higgins's home, so I don't think we'll be in her way," Mr. Hale reassured him.

Realizing Margaret would not be at home, Mr. Thornton nodded his acquiescence quite readily. And as they made their way back to Crampton, they both enjoyed a lively and energetic conversation of mutual interest.

* * *

A/N: So, here you go! What did you think?

For those of you who are not on C19 yet, you can join and read more delightful fanfic! There's a whole lot of things on there for you to enjoy! The website is .com. :D


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Here is the next and final chapter. Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed! :D

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******Margaret's Journal, Part 3**

Regaining her composure, Margaret looked down at the entry she'd just written and reread part of it: _I can still recall how he called his feelings for me a "foolish passion." And the look on his face! He surely must hate me now. _A few more tears slipped down Margaret's cheek and fell on the page as she sniffled a few times, her surroundings completely forgotten.

"Miss Margaret?" It was Dixon calling for her. Pushing aside her journal and drying her eyes, she walked from the library to see what Dixon wanted, shivering as the cold air hit her forcefully. Having become desperate for distraction, she silently blessed Dixon for her good timing.

"Do you still have time to help with the ironing, Miss Margaret?" Dixon asked her when she reached the kitchen, where Dixon was currently stationed.

"Of course," Margaret replied. "You know I'm always happy to help you," she added as she began preparing to iron.

* * *

Mr. Hale and Mr. Thornton walked into the house. "Could you please wait for me here in the library, John? I'll be right back."

Mr. Thornton nodded his acquiescence as he headed toward the library. The room was warm and cozy from the fire burning in the grate, a welcome contrast to the colder hallway. He made himself comfortable, absentmindedly picking up a book lying open on the table.

On perceiving that it was a journal, he was about to put it down when the sight of his name caught his eye. Who was writing about him? Turning to the front, he saw the name: _Margaret Hale_. Instantly setting the diary back down, his felt his cheeks become hot as he thought of what he had held. _No_, he told himself, _I will __**not **__read it. I __**will **__be a gentleman._ Sighing, he added to himself, _She probably only wrote poorly of me anyway. I do not think I could bear to read it._

His eyes drifted back to the journal after a few seconds, his curiosity increasing. _I do wonder what she wrote about me. No, no, I cannot read it. I will be a gentleman._

But as he waited, his curiosity grew in him. He recalled how enchanting his name had looked in her handwriting and he thought to look at it just one more time.

Once he had looked, he couldn't help but read. He smiled at her evaluation of Miss Latimer's knowledge of topics that would interest him. _How well she knows me_, he thought with a sad smile. He nearly dropped the journal in surprise as he read that the thought that he might court another woman filled her with despair.

But he had to sit down when he read that she loved him. _She loves me!_ he told himself after he recovered from his shock. _She loves me!_ He silently rejoiced as he continued to read. _Oh, my dear, lovely Margaret. You never lost my good opinion. I was jealous. What is this?_ he asked himself as he noticed the tear stains on the page. _Tears? My Margaret, there is hope, do not despair!_ He lightly touched each dried tear drop on the page as he read and then paused. _She has a brother? Was he the man she was with at the station? It must be. She said that the secret was another person's. I shall have to ask her about it._

He continued reading, unable to check his joy.

At that moment, the library door opened.

* * *

Mr. Hale had made his way to the kitchen and had requested that Margaret take a tea tray up to Mr. Thornton, who was waiting in the library. "I'm just going to fetch a book for him. I left it on my bedside table last night."

Margaret put down the iron she was using and began to prepare a tea tray. Then she paused. _Oh, no! I left my journal in the library! Did I leave it open? No, I don't think I did. Oh, I do hope he does not pick it up to read it! _Margaret hurried to finish preparing the tea tray, eager to whisk her journal back to the safety of her room.

Once she had finished her preparations, she picked up the tray and carried it to the library, shivering from chill and anxiety. She opened the door and panicked when she saw her journal open in Mr. Thornton's hands as he hastily stood. _There's no doubt about it_, she thought to herself. _I'm too late—he's read my journal. _The tea tray shook slightly in her hands as she tried to keep her anxiety from showing.

Meanwhile, Mr. Thornton was silently scolding himself as he hastily placed the journal back on the table, hoping that Margaret had not noticed. _What an idiot I am! I should have realized the possibility of someone walking in on me! She is right, I am no gentleman. She will surely hate me now! _Watching her as she entered the room, he noticed the tea tray shake slightly. Instinctively, he reached forward to help her, relieving the tray from her hands and setting it on the table beside the journal.

Unfortunately, Margaret saw his help as an indication that he did not wish for her to be there, which only increased her anxiety. "My...my f-father asked me to bring tea up to you," she stuttered, unable to meet his eyes. As she turned to leave, she added, "And now, Mr. Thornton, I really must—"

"Wait, Margaret, please don't leave!" Mr. Thornton pleaded, unconsciously using her Christian name, causing Margaret to gasp and her heart to beat a little faster.

Feeling suddenly nervous, he blurted out, "I - I noticed your journal and would not have read it had I not noticed my name written there. I tried not to, but my curiosity got the better of me. I'm sorry, I know I ought not to have read it; I am sure that a gentleman would not have done so once he realized that it was a journal, but I could not stop myself. I'm sorry."

Margaret looked up at him sharply. "You read my journal?" she asked, a note of despair in her voice. He nodded, flushing with embarrassment. _I've ruined my chances with her again_, he thought in despair. She looked away out of embarrassment, tears blurring her vision. "Then you know—" she choked out, "you know that...that..."

Mr. Thornton looked at her sharply, surprised that she was not lecturing him about proper behaviour. He could not bear to see his Margaret in such pain. "Margaret," he pleaded, "please look at me." His use of her Christian name gave her hope and the courage to look at him. "Please tell me that it is true. Do you really love me?" he asked earnestly, taking her hands in his. Margaret nodded, looking up at him shyly and was amazed to see his face light up with joy!

Letting go of her hands, he instead took hold of her face, tilting it upward so that she was looking directly at him. Leaning closer, he kissed her, tentatively at first and then with ever-increasing passion. Breaking away he asked, "Dare I ask a second time? Have I any right to hope for a positive answer?" Margaret's breath caught in her throat, but she managed to give him an encouraging, watery smile as she pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep from weeping with joy.

Getting down on one knee, he began, "I have loved you for so long. Almost from the moment we first met. And I have never stopped loving you. Even when I saw you at the train station. Even when I told you that any foolish passion for you on my part was over. Margaret, will you marry me?"

"Yes," she whispered, overcome by his declaration. Hesitantly placing her hand on his cheek, as she was still becoming accustomed to her feelings for him, she added, "I love you, too, Mr. Thornton. I may not have always known it, but it was there all the same."

"Might I hope to hear you call me by my Christian name?" he asked hopefully as he stood back up.

Blushing, Margaret replied, "Yes...John." How odd it felt to call him that and yet how thrilling!

At that moment, the door opened and Mr. Hale walked in. "I'm sorry that it took me so long to find this, but it wasn't where I remembered it to be." He held out the book to Mr. Thornton, who took it with a shaking hand.

Glancing at Margaret, he cleared his throat, hoping it would help him sound composed, instead of overcome with happiness. "Mr. Hale, I have a request to make of you."

A half hour later Mr. Hale, bursting with happiness, had given his blessing.

Mrs. Thornton was more reluctant to accept the match. But after learning the circumstances surrounding Frederick's visit and, more importantly, observing the looks of love that passed between the couple, she was finally won over.

The reactions of their friends varied. While Higgins and Mary were overjoyed, Edith and Aunt Shaw took longer to accept the match. Dixon loved and respected Margaret enough to make an effort to like Mr. Thornton, an endeavour in which she was soon successful.

* * *

After all the chaos had calmed, the two lovers found some time alone.

"Margaret?" Mr. Thornton asked as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Hmmm?"

"Tell me you do not want a long engagement."

"No! Of course not!" she exclaimed, then added shyly, "You've had to wait long enough. Besides, I can think of no greater pleasure than that of becoming your wife."

Mr. Thornton's eyes filled with tears. Although she did not realize it, Margaret was healing the wounds she had previously inflicted upon him, with the words she was speaking now. Hesitantly, she added, "Would a month be too soon, do you think?"

Mr. Thornton's arms tightened around her. "Too soon?" he choked out. "Not at all." Then he began kissing her again with all the longing and love he felt for her.

**THE END**

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A/N: So, how'd you like the ending? :D


	4. Important AN

A/N: I know I said that I would finish my stories, but I will not be able to, even after I finish at my school. I feel terrible, because once I start something, I like to finish it, so leaving my stories incomplete is tearing me to pieces. I assure you that I have greatly enjoyed writing for you all and hearing your feedback, and as a writer, it's nice to have the opportunity to get feedback so quickly and to be able to go back and edit whatever I might have missed while writing.

My reasons for abandoning my stories and the world of fan fiction are a bit complicated and take a while to explain. If you would like to hear my full explanation, you are free to email me, but the short version is that there are things things that I have known and also discovered that make it impossible for me to continue. _Harry Potter_ is one of those stories that tends to draw you in, even if you don't want to be drawn in. With things in this world going the way they are, it's time for me to refocus and adjust my priorities. Fan fiction is just one of those things that will have to go. Yes, that includes _reading_ fan fiction, as much as I have enjoyed all of the delightful stories.

Anyway, if you would like my full explanation, you may email me at .de. . The "o" in "3o" is a lower-case "o," not a zero. I've had friends think it was a zero. And, of course, just delete the spaces. I would also recommend reading _The Great Controversy_, as it explains things much better than I ever could.

I should also let you know that I will eventually be deleting my account. I have posted what I have for my stories, and you are welcome to save them if you'd like, but probably in the near future, I will be deleting my account. Please do not blame this on my school, either, as their decision to block has no effect on my decision. Anyone who wishes to adopt them and continue their own version is welcome to do so. Just, please, for the sake of the readers, don't turn Dumbles into a good guy! :D

Farewell, my friends. It's been great getting to know you and getting to enjoy reading with you all and writing for you.


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